Read: Brill Kid – The Big Number 2

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Picking up where 2018’s Diary of a Brilliant Kid left off,  Brill Kid – The Big Number 2, is ‘personal development’ with a difference.

Brill Kid – The Big Number 2, written by Andy Cope, Gavin Oattes and Will Hussey, is aimed at seven to eleven year olds, the age when mental habits are created. It’s in full colour, packed with illustrations and aims to enable young people to flourish in a world that has its ups and downs. We’re lucky enough to be able to share an extract of the book with you and your children. Parents, read and learn!

How to Train Your Parents

There are two types of adults; grown-ups and groan-ups. They’re basically the same, but the second lot are a lot more negative. Your mission – should you choose to accept it (which you absolutely most definitely should btw) – is to train your parents so they maintain a positive attitude to life, work and parenting.

That’s good for them but, more importantly, it’s much better for you.

So we’ve started a secret club. It’s a group of kids who are up for the challenge of training their parents, moulding their adults into something quite awesome.

Because it was Gav’s idea and Gav is Scottish, he didn’t want to call it a club, he insisted on it being a clan. The Scots, they like a clan. ‘Let’s call it the “Can Clan”’, he said, ‘and our motto is “WE CAN!”’ So the ‘WE CAN ’ Can Clan was born.

Then we realised it’s a secret club for kids to train their parents and Gav doesn’t say ‘kids’, he says ‘wee people’, so we changed the name to the wee ‘WE CAN’ Can Clan.

So welcome to the wee ‘WE CAN ’ Can Clan. It’s official. You are now a member of it. We’re doing badges and everything.

Here’s a fact you probably didn’t know. When mums get diagnosed as ‘pregnant’ they’re given a free book called ‘How to nag your kid’. It’s 100% compulsory that she reads it aloud to your dad, so he knows how to nag too.

This ‘How to nag your kid’ book is top secret and made of bread, so they have to eat it after they’ve read it. That’s why no child has ever seen ‘How to nag your kid’ lying around the house. There might be some crumbs, but no hard evidence.

So by the time you’ve reached, say, 7, or 10, they’ve had plenty of nagging practice. In the book they recommend that really experienced parents operate as a nag tag team. You, the child, get what’s call ed ‘repetitive ear injury’ as they trot out the textbook ‘Will you get off your computer please’ and ‘I won’t ask you again: will you please do your homework.’ Not forgetting the classics:

‘You can’t have any pudding unless you finish what’s on your plate’ and ‘Will you please stop whining.’ One of my mum’s all time faves that she used to use on me like ALL the time when I was 8 was; ‘Will you please stop flicking your sister’s earlobes.’ I would literally hear that 50 times on a rainy day as I sat and flicked my little sister’s lobes and watched them wobble as she howled the house down.

Growing up, it can feel like you’re living in Nag House, on Nag Street, Nagsville, being nagged by the nag tag team of Nagasaki.

Anyhow, the cure is simple. To cure yourself of repetitive ear injury – to literally STOP your parents asking you fifty times – here’s the sneakiest thing a kid will ever learn …

… do what they’re asking, FIRST time!

It’s super-cunning and works every single time. You’ll find that your parent cures themself immediately, you get an easier life, and your little sister doesn’t howl on a rainy day. Doing things on the first time of asking is, literally, the simplest and quickest and least painful way of training your parents. Oh, and it’s really funny. Wait till you see the shock on their smug parenting faces as you literally DO WHAT YOU’RE TOLD, FIRST TIME, EVERY SINGLE TIME.

Sometimes they literally won’t believe what’s happening.

Your mum will start saying ‘Will you please eat…’ and before she gets to ‘…your greens’, they’re gone. You’ve forked them in, swallowed, and have got your mouth open, wiggling your tongue, as proof. No fuss. No messing. Check the look on her face. The shock will be etched in and, most importantly, you’ve cut her off mid-nag.

Same with your dad. By the time he’s finished the fatherly classic (it’s the number 1 sentence in the ‘How to nag your kid’ bread book) ‘Will you please stop annoying your sister and play nicely’, you’ve stopped annoying your sister and are playing nicely. It’s hilarious. It totally throws them because, you see, it doesn’t tell them how not to nag in the bread book.

I’m not suggesting this works 99.9% of the time. It’s a nailed on winning strategy – 100.1%.

There is a ninja level; if you can learn to do good stuff BEFORE they even have to ask you the first time then you’ll enter the Hall of Fame at the wee ‘WE CAN’ Can Clan. Your picture will be hanging on the wall in the grand-can-master Hall of Fame. If you ask us, there’s probably a certificate for that. If not, when you ask us, we’ll make one. To become a grand-can-master-parent-trainer you have to eat the veggies on your plate, do your homework, play nicely and not whine about small stuff so your parents don’t even have to nag once.

Just so you know, the grand-can-master Hall of Fame currently has no pictures hanging up. Maybe you could apply to be the first?

This is an edited extract from Brill Kid – The Big Number 2: Awesomeness – The Next Level by Andy Cope, Gavin Oattes and Will Hussey (published by Capstone, Out Now).

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