Mel Lane, Head of Education at Pop’n’Olly, gives us advice from a parent’s perspective on how to talk to children about LGBT+ people

What I learned from not talking to my child about LGBT+ lives

I honestly thought that I didn’t need to talk to my child about LGBT+ people. If I gave it any thought at all, I assumed they’d pick up my complete acceptance of LGBT+ people from the fact that we had a close gay friend who we spent a lot of time with. So I was completely shocked that at the age of 11 my chatty, inquisitive child hadn’t realised at all that our family friend was gay. Unfortunately, this had meant their first encounter with the word ‘gay’ was hearing it used as an insult in the playground and their understanding from then on was that being gay was something you definitely didn’t want to be.

Why it’s so important to talk about LGBT+ lives as just another way to be a human

If I had the chance to go back and do it all again (who doesn’t wish this about some things?) I’d make sure that books with LGBT+ characters were part of our regular reading and I’d take the time to explain what words like ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’ and ‘transgender’ actually mean. Then, when my child realised that they were gay, they’d have known  that this was something they could feel completely happy about, instead of keeping it a secret for years, worried that their life was going to be miserable and lonely.

How to talk to kids about LGBT+ lives

The words ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’, ‘transgender’, etc are just words. Sometimes people are concerned that they’re words we shouldn’t use with young children. However, in just the same way that we can explain to a four-year old that someone is having a baby without going into all the detail about how a baby is made, we can explain ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’ and ‘transgender’ very simply using language that is easily understood by children.

Simple Explanations for young children

Gay – A word that means a man who loves a man or a woman who loves a woman.

Lesbian – Another word that means a woman who loves a woman.

You might also like to add that two men and two women can get married in the UK, just the same as a man and a woman

Transgender – Someone who feels their gender is different to the one they were born as. 

You could clarify by giving an example here like “Someone who was once a girl who became a boy (or vice versa)”.

You might like to finish by saying that it’s OK to be gay, lesbian or transgender, that it’s just another way to be a human. This helps reinforce the message that being LGBT+ is not something that is bad or shameful and instead a part of someone’s identity they can be proud of. 

Explanations for Older Children

Older children might have more complex questions based on people they’ve met or seen on screens. Perhaps they want to know what bisexual or pansexual means. Perhaps they aren’t sure about what non-binary means, for example these kinds of questions (and others) are answered with  simple explanations, in Pop’n’Olly’s book, What Does LGBT+ Mean?

Different people experience things in different ways and being LGBT+ can be  affected by other issues such as discrimination, privilege and allyship. 

Remember, it’s OK for you, as an adult, not to know about all of these words and it’s OK to say to a child that you can find out together.

Being LGBT+ is just another way to be a human

Proactively making sure your child sees LGBT+ people or characters represented and giving your child simple explanations of ‘gay’, ‘lesbian’, ‘transgender’, etc means that your child will hear these words explained in positive, simple terms by someone they trust. Their first experience of the words will teach them that being LGBT+ is just another way to be a human and not something negative. This will help them grow up with empathy for others, confidence to be themselves and understanding of the diversity of modern Britain. . 

Mel Lane (she/her) is Head of Education at Pop’n’Olly.  She has been a primary school teacher and teacher trainer for nearly 30 years and worked in schools on LGBT+ inclusion policies with thousands of children and school staff. Mel is also a parent and co-author of ‘What Does LGBT+ Mean?’ (Pop’n’Olly, 2021).

Pop‘n’Olly is the UK’s leading LGBT+ educational resource provider for primary aged children, parents, carers and teachers.